Family Rituals, Children and Divorce
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Divorce is hard and painful for everyone in a family. One way to help your children through this time of confusion and change is by maintaining your family’s pre-divorce rituals while also creating new ones. Rituals and traditions provide us with meaning in our lives. We often use rituals to mark transitions, the exiting of old and the entering of the new in our lives, but they also provide us with a sense of togetherness and belonging.
By maintaining family rituals you will provide continuity for both your children as well as yourself throughout this time of change and upheaval. Try to make a commitment to continue all the important rituals that you can and replace the ones you can’t with new ones. Get your children involved in the process. The act of creating new rituals and maintaining the old will help your children as well as yourself begin to understand and feel more comfortable about the changes in your lives. Let your children know that even though the structure of your family may be different your love and commitment as parents will always remain the same. This will create a sense of safety throughout the process for your children.
Evan Imber-Black and Janine Roberts talk about the meaning of rituals in our lives in their book Rituals for Our Times: Celebrating, Healing, and Changing Our Lives and Our Relationships.
“Rituals are a central part of life whether it be in how meals are shared together or how major events are marked. They are the lens through which we can see our emotional connections to our parents, siblings, spouse, children, and dear friends. They connect us with our past, define our present life, and show us a path to our future as we pass on ceremonies, traditions, objects, symbols, and ways of being with each other handed down from previous generations.”
Divorce is painful. Divorce is a multilayered loss experienced on a multitude of levels individually and as a family. Identify your support system, don’t go it alone. Maintain your traditions and rituals while also creating new ones to help you stay connected with your children, as well as your extended family and friends. Staying connected will help you begin your journey towards healing and rebuilding your life. Allow yourself grace, lots of grace, ask those you are close to for help and take it a day at a time.
People often say they can’t see it at the beginning, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it is bright for you and your children.
Resolutions and Reflections, Ushering in a New Year
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The New Year is a time of reflection and resolutions. Ellen Goodman writes that often “we spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives… not looking for flaws, but for potential.”
It is true that each of us are flawed, it’s part of being human. But what is more important is that we realize and embrace the unique and limitless potential that is alive within each and every on of us.
Our willingness to examine what we hold tightly
Opens us to possibilities
Our willingness to lean into the unknown with curiosity
Opens us to our vast potential
Alison
Our brains are constantly active, sending us a constant stream of images and thoughts as we try to make sense of our lives, the world and ourselves. When we examine ourselves we are often our own worst critic, daily judging and finding fault with our abilities and who we are. Over time if our negative thoughts are left unchallenged we risk beginning to define ourselves by our own negative thoughts, and thus begin to consciously, or unconsciously, limit ourselves.
Piero Ferrucci poses the following thought. ‘How often—even before we began—have we declared a task “impossible”? And how often have we construed a picture of ourselves as being inadequate?…A great deal depends upon the thought patterns we choose and on the persistence with which we affirm them.’
It is when we step outside of our “thoughts” that we can begin to venture into who we truly are.
Limiting ourselves is like shutting a door and finding ourselves in darkness. Yearning for light, we instinctively look for openings and in doing so we have begun to believe that the “impossible” is possible. We have taken a step outside of our limiting beliefs, and challenged our illusions of inadequacies. It is when we step outside of our “thoughts” that we can begin to venture into who we truly are.
Alison
There are moments in life that take our breath away. These moments alert us to the mystery and wonder of life, leaving us with a deep sense of awe. We also have moments in life that are jolting or shocking. They too take our breath away, and remind us of the fragility of life. They whisper to us that life’s moments are limited, and our life and our time together is a gift to savor.
Such moments may be experienced as a “collision with the infinite.” Moments where our conscious mind recognizes we are intertwined with the infinite, each of us unique, each of us meant to be, and each belonging to something larger than our self. Together we create the whole, a humble yet powerful awareness.
Reflecting on these moments can awaken us; perhaps call us to make a shift in our lives. We may find ourselves drawn in directions we have in the past neglected or taken for granted. Suddenly wanting to connect to what nourishes us, we bring the focus of our lives into the present moment. Here we realize just how much of our time has been spent wandering in and out of a trance. Our thoughts wandering through our past and future, tirlessly trying to relive, change and conquer our past, as well as dreaming, designing or carefully orchestrating our future.
The Universe will knock upon your door and offer you the breath of no regret. Are you listening?
When we answer the knock we are gifted with the opportunity to experience “now,” the moment when our life is real and unfolding moment by moment. Here, now, we find ourselves deliciously present and alive.
If you listen closely, the universe will knock upon your door and offer you the breath of no regret, a chance to embody life, your life, and live it with intention. Look within, find and live your truth, live your life fully. And when the moment comes for you to breathe your last breath, may it be the breath of no regrets.
Alison
It is when we pause our life, that we can find our life
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We move through our days, full
A jumble of directions, activities and deadlines
Infused with worries and joys
Our minds
They jump from past to future, future to past
And then they circle around again
At times a blur
We anticipate, we remember
Always thinking
Always thinking
But what if
All at once we take a pause
Allow ourselves to become fully present
In this very moment
Aware of our self
Aware of what surrounds us
For here, now
In this very moment
We are truly alive
Our life is actually happening
And this awareness brings life
To our lives
It is when we pause our life, that we can find our life
It untangles us, if just for a moment
From our past and our future
And awakens us to our calm center
The space within us that is eternal
Where our personal truths and our heart
Lay in wait
Patiently,
For us to return
Alison
When we are feeling stuck, or let down in our lives we may feel sad, powerless or angry. We may, without even realizing it, engage in certain behaviors in an attempt to deny or mask those feelings. Suddenly we may find ourselves believing nothing ever changes in our lives or that the world has left us behind. The truth is that our world is ever-changing, and change is happening now. Everyday our lives are draped in a colorful tapestry of streaming changes, many we don’t even notice. Try imagining you are looking at your world through the eyes of a child. The ”eyes of a child” is a fresh perspective, looking at the world as if you are seeing and experiencing what’s around you for the very first time. Take a moment and re-explore your world from this perspective. What do you see? Is it different from how you have been viewing your world recently? Use all your senses as you re-explore your world, and just be where you are, let the idea of time float away and breathe in your aliveness. After you have settled in awhile, take a moment to ask yourself following questions:
- Are there any areas of your life out of alignment with your values or core beliefs?
- Is there anything you are longing for that you have been unconsciously ignoring?
- What would have to happen for you to know that you have strayed from your life’s path?
- What would have to happen for you to know that you have a problem that is keeping you from experiencing happiness or joy in your life?
- Are there any changes you would like to make in your life?
“If you don’t create change, change will create you” -Unknown
It is important to know that people change in stages and that creating change in your life is a process. The following are the five stages of change:
- Precontemplation – You are not really thinking about change, you are usually unaware, unwilling or uninterested in creating changing
- Contemplation – You are beginning to consider making a change, you may be examining the pros and cons of making a particular change, perhaps weighing how much energy you would have to expend to take action.
- Preparing – You may be still feeling some ambivalence about changing, perhaps you may be considering giving up a behavior you enjoy so despite the perceived gain there is also a sense of loss. At this point you may want to experiment with small changes that move you towards the change you are considering.
- Action – At this point you take genuine and determined action to make the change a reality.
- Maintenance – At this stage you are focused on maintaining your new behaviors over time, creating new patterns that will sustain the change you have made. It is helpful to develop healthy alternative behaviors to replace the old changed behavior.
Change knocks on the door of growth
Change is not always easy. In reality change can often be hard. Reaching out to others to support you in creating change in your life can help make it easier to achieve and maintain. And when you do make a change in your life don’t be surprised to find a ripple effect into other areas of your life or world.
It is through your capacity to create change in yourself that you create change in your world
Alison
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known
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Picture in your mind an infant. This child is fast asleep in bed, nestled amongst soft velvety blankets. The fresh scent of baby powder and shampoo permeates the room and next to you are the sounds of a soothing lullaby from a music box on the dresser. Slowly, the child begins to stir. First an arm is stretching; tiny fingers appear one by one until the soft delicate hand comes into full view. Next a leg gently kicks and in the process you hear a soft coo. As the child’s eyes open, a smile begins to spread across her face.
When you imagine this child what are some of the feelings and words that come into your mind?
Do you smile?
Does your body relax and sigh?
Do words flow through your mind like precious, or beautiful?
Do you see this child as worthy, innocent, loveable, pure?
Now, I want you to imagine this child is you. Do your thoughts or feelings change? If they changed, how did they change and why?
We are each deserving, unique and deeply loveable people. It is our essence, the core of who we are, and it is our true nature. If you have a hard time believing you, or others, could think of you in this light, face the abyss, take a leap of faith and jump back into your own arms. One way you can do this is to sit quietly and begin to peel back the layers of beliefs, or mis-beliefs you have accumulated about yourself. Be curious; find what lies beneath the negative tapes in your mind. As you journey to your core you will find your uniqueness and lovablity, and much more.
“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” Carl Sagan
When we are first born we have what Shunyru Suzuki calls a “beginner’s mind.” We see our world for the first time, daily. We marvel in what we find; we are open and excited, and when we are in need we seek solace. As we grow we are taught, by our families, culture and society, to think critically of ourselves as well as others. Over time we begin to question ourselves, am I good enough? Did I do that right? We begin to worry about how others perceive us. It is through these fears and the resulting confusion that we can begin to separate from ourselves, from our true nature. As we separate we begin to build a false self, an image who we believe we “should” be. Our false self is our protection; an armor we wear so that we can project the self we believe will be accepted by others.
“What can we gain by sailing to the moon
if we are not able to cross the abyss that separates us
from ourselves?
This is the most important of all voyages of discovery
and without it, all the rest are not only useless,
but disastrous.”
-Thomas Merton
To build, or maintain, a connection to the essence of who we truly are, strengthens our ability to connect deeply in our relationships with others and to our world. When we love ourselves, we can truly believe that another can love us also. From here we are able to receive the love of another through the eyes of a “beginner’s mind,” open and excited, marveling in the moment.
Alison
“I” is the most intimate of words
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To want to connect with others is instinctual; we are social beings to the core. How we behave, what we do in a large part is driven by our desire to be seen and heard, connected and accepted for who we truly are. These connections, our relationships with others are one of the ways we measure how satisfied we are with our lives. To many this is the ultimate measure.
If relationships are at the heart of how we measure our happiness, then it would give to reason that the most important relationship we will have in our lifetime is the one we have with our self; our relationship with “I.” “I” is the most intimate of all our relationships; we are with ourselves every moment that we are alive. The more we like who we are, the happier we will be. The more we like ourselves, the more willing we are to share of ourselves and in turn we are able to create deeper, more satisfying relationships with others. To like and to love who we are truly increases the quality of our lives.
“I” is the most intimate of words, and the most intimate of worlds, for each of us has a very rich, lively and at times self-sabotaging inner world. Liking and loving ourselves is important to our overall satisfaction with our lives, and when we honor our own uniqueness we reinforce a positive self-perception of ourselves. Define yourself. Accept no one else’s definition of who you are. Take what others say about you as information. Catch it, examine it and determine if there is truth in what was said and if not let the words drop away. The following are five ways to honor yourself and the life you are living:
- Determine what your values and core beliefs are. When we live in alignment with our values we are living our lives with integrity and self-respect.
- Offer yourself compassion. We are often quick to offer compassion to others while for some reason we are much harder on ourselves. When we offer compassion to ourselves we are acknowledging our own self-worth.
- Loving what is. When we can love “what is,” that which is in front of us and within us, we learn and earn unconditional love, and when we understand we cannot control the world or others, we can learn to “let go.” Through the act of letting go, we provide space in our lives to find peace and joy; we become alive in our life.
- Be willing to take responsibility for your life. We are responsible for what we do and what we say. Taking responsibility for our own life, we feel better about who we are, our self-esteem and self-respect increases, and we enhance our ability to enjoy our lives and all that is important to us.
- Create a ritual to honor yourself. A ritual is something you do regularly for yourself, something you enjoy, something that brings a smile to your face and a sense of peace and meaning to your day. Some people take a morning walk as their ritual, using it as time to reflect and connect to the earth, someone else may take 15 minutes every day to sit and write, just allowing their thoughts to flow onto paper without judgment or editing themselves. Honor your uniqueness, find something you enjoy and create a ritual for yourself, you might be surprised at what it brings to your daily life.
We are each similar yet unique human beings, like snowflakes no two of us are identical. We are each like a piece of a puzzle. When our pieces come together we create the world around us, what I like to call beauty in motion. When we can honor our own uniqueness and bring the best of ourselves forward we create a breathtaking world.
Alison
The measure of a life well lived is an intensely personal belief, shaped in part by one’s family and one’s cultural norms, as well as one’s age and experiences in life. But for all the differences that may be found, there is also a vast number of commonalities. Our commonalities I believe are what nourish us as human beings, and our differences are that which teach us how to be human.
My thought for the day-
Our collective lives converge into a kaleidoscope of shifting patterns and colors; together we create beauty in motion. And yet it is imperative we take pause and appreciate ourselves.
We are each an important force in the health and well-being of our own life, the life of our communities, and the broader world. And when we each bring the best of ourselves forward, we create a breathtaking world.
As you move through your day, take care and honor your unique self.
Alison
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."
-A. Quindlen
